I’ve been writing diaries since I was in junior high and even until know I’m a big fan of them. So it was just a matter of time until I found my old diaries, and let me tell you one thing, it amazes me how much I’ve grown.
While reading my old diaries I remembered the girl who suffered from social anxiety, my huge lack of self esteem and how hard I tried to pleased others and to get their approval; at that point I seemed to be pretty unhappy but somehow managed myself to project the opposite to the others and that was not healthy and it only made me feel worst.
In every page I read from my old diaries there was not a single page that reflected a happy moment, which I had, I remember being happy but somehow on a deeper scale I was not and now that I think about it, no one should go through that stage in your life where you feel lonely or worthless, you know?
Maybe my problems were not as bad as others might be struggling with but for a 15 year old girl it is a big deal not clicking in with your friends, or having a one sided love or even being compared with your siblings on a daily basis and the reason for that is that during your teenage years all you want to do is fit in. And that was my case, I just wanted to be liked and that became pretty stressful, I’m so glad those days are left behind…seriously, being a teenager is not easy.
Finding my diaries felt both bitter and empowering; it was bitter because when you’re that young you should not pressure yourself that much on meeting someone else’s expectations and it was empowering because no matter how low I felt I was able to find some sort of strength that kept me going on through the years and led me to the point where I know it is okay to focus only on your expectations without looking for some else’s approval.
So, thank you old me for staying strong and showing me that having fears is never an excuse for me to give up on my dreams.
Until next time,